August Newsletter: Atonement with the Father
The hero confronts the reason for his journey, facing his doubts and fears and the powers that rule his life.
This is a major turning point in the story: every prior step has brought the hero here, and every step forward stems from this moment.
Happy August!
Here in Florida it’s hurricane season. It’s still hot and there’s a ton of rain. The thing I love most about it is the freshness afterwards. Sometimes it’s cooler, sometimes hotter, but there’s this washing away of whatever was there. The air is clearer. The path is easier to see forwards and backwards so I started to contemplate on my journey so far.
I started teaching because I’ve always valued knowledge and though I’ve always focused on intentionality in my teaching artistry, feelings of fear, doubt, and presumed failure have been creeping in lately. I write up the syllabi and rewrite. I fret over replies to student emails. I worry that I’m not lecturing enough. Questions like, maybe I should turn back to the tried and true methods of academia. Which then turns into inquiries about my overall vocational life. Maybe I should give up on seeking a PhD. Maybe I’m not actually worthy of all the things I desire. Maybe I’m just reaching too high, asking for too much.
For a lot of my life, I just didn’t face my doubts or fears. Focused on barreling to the next accomplishment. A sense of value from another entry on my CV. Then I swung to the other side of the pendulum of my healing journey, feeling everything and realizing the harm I’d bestowed on others while I was literally sleepwalking through existence. I developed a desire for an external savior. I wanted lovers to fill me with what I wasn’t giving myself. I wanted colleagues to constantly assure me that they weren’t mad at me or that I hadn’t upset them. I stopped taking initiative all together for fear of being wrong. I turned away from the qualities of myself I loved and was the motivation for the great things I had done so far. Then the stars decided to do some cool stuff.
On the 4th there was a new moon in Leo. It occurred in my 12th house which represents The Unconscious. Yes, I’m an astrology girlie!
“This is a period of review, letting go, and recharging one’s spiritual and, by extension, physical “batteries” (Cafe Astrology)
Ahead of it, I slimmed down my social calendar, which was easy with a tropical storm threatening to become a hurricane. I contemplated the ways in which I wanted to steer my own life. I journaled as my higher self encouraging my present day self.
After it, I began to face my doubts and fears. I started recognizing the moments when I was struggling to merely exist. So much of my movement is anxiety of unworth vs moving in alignment. Was I a perfectly meditative human? Hell Nah! But I worked on pausing to feel my feelings and evaluate if my next step was aligned. The synchronicities began to show themselves and one of the biggest ones was joining a new cohort that my friend Marissa shared with me.
I immediately signed up! Not only did it seem perfect timing with the next course I’m teaching but exactly what I’ve needed as my therapist’s new hours haven’t worked with my schedule and I’m constantly preaching about community.
The reason for my journey has always been community and knowledge. I’ve only ever wanted to make art and exchange ideas. Everything else is a bonus. This is my divine purpose. My Ministry as the elders say. Are you at a crossroads? What is your reason and how can it direct?
Writing Updates:
Novel - Chapter 2 - Around 4k Words
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